Remember me

If I say something to you, I realize this feeling won't be my very own business (alone), & the nosy & the noisy will be bothering you.

I'm the noisy.

But if I don't say something, & keep silent, I'm so afraid, you'll forget me eventually. *As if you remember me (as a woman) all this time....

Meanwhile, I'm still remembering you here, always.

Cinta yang Diam

Ariel featuring Difki Khalif:

Indah
Tentangmu indah
Kan tersisa di harapan
Membuatku mengerti

Karena aku manusia
Yang terbiasa
Ikuti cinta
Tak mau lagi terbawa
Oleh nafsu dunia
Sebaiknya kau tunggu
Sampai aku pantas kan menjemputmu

Dan sebenarnya aku tak diam

Seraya perhatikan jejak langkahmu

Walau terlihat diriku tak ada di dekat mu

Semakin kau indah
Memperjelas setiap kelemahanku
Walau kau berharga
Sekarang bukan untuk berdua

Jika kau berat untuk
Memikirkan cinta yang diam
Percayalah semua ini
Takkan berujung lama
Kita akan berdua
Tanpa harus terganggu oleh dosa

Dan sebenarnya aku tak diam
Seraya perhatikan jejak langkahmu
Walau terlihat diriku tak ada di dekat mu
Semakin kau indah
Memperjelas setiap kelemahanku
Walau kau berharga
Sekarang bukan untuk berdua

Menanti indah nanti kita
Dan saling melindungi rasa
Kujaganya untuk berdua

Dan sebenarnya aku tak diam
Seraya perhatikan jejak langkahmu
Walau terlihat diriku tak ada di dekat mu
Semakin kau indah
Memperjelas setiap kelemahanku
Walau kau berharga
Sekarang bukan untuk berdua
Bukan untuk berdua
Nanti kita berdua

Happiness inside, fresh outside 😑

Makasih ya Allah. Walaupun seharian ini mendung & gerimis...

& atap rumah kami masih bocor karena belum kuperbaiki lagi,

Tapi suasana hati aku gak semendung kemarin ☺.

Beberapa to do list sederhana berhasil dichecklist, aku mandi & berusaha sholat awal waktu. Hari ini aku dengerin 2 video ceramah soal tawakkal yg judulnya:

1. Rukun tawakkal, yuvid.tv

2. Tips pasrah, Buya Yahya 😅

& video supaya doa terkabul.

Hari ini masih sesekali nangis, tapi gak apa-apa, asal bantu aku nemuin hal yang bisa jadi kebahagiaanku sendiri yah? Apa ya? 🤔

Accepted

 I understand the verse he recited.

& I understand  what they mean.

I know he deserves someone better too.

Maybe a nice hafidzah that is younger & prettier.

It’s impossible he has that kind of interest to old spinster who has so many flaws like me, who's still in "exploring & seeking the truth" mode.

I understand who I am.

I understand who he is.

I understand how the world run.

& I accepted.

My fate.

Silly Confession

Edit: January 22th, 2021, 23:02 pm

I'm afraid if I'm saying this, it may sounds so cheesy, & if someday I read this post again or if there are people who read this, I will be ashamed, what was I writing? Said my future self 🤦‍♀️. What was I thinking back then? Infatuation in 28 y.o?

I wrote everything to record my feelings for your own good, you dumb futureself 😩.

But I change the url of this blog, though (beside my old url is a clear error in grammatically too, *hey, I made that in 2010!) , so, no one will know & read this cheesy love confession right? 😅

Cz if I don't let this out, I think I'll go crazy, loving someone in silent is really hard you know? 💀

Ok, 

I love you. I think I really do. 

In my old post I just said "I like you". Although I know this surely something more than that.

I said that because I want to give my whole heart, my true love, only to my husband, after akad. But I just want to be honest with my feeling now.

I think it's love (Mawaddah) & there is this kind of soft feeling too, I'm not sure what its name, the feeling that only appear when I was taking care of my grandma & my mom when they were sick. But to you, this soft feeling is always felt by my heart clearly, always been there even when you are not sick & you're not my family (yet?).

 (Is this rahmah? Doesn't rahmah only felt after mawaddah faded away when someone's getting old? 🤔. In Indonesia language, maybe it's called " kasih-sayang" & I think it doesn't only felt after "love" is faded away).

This maybe sounds crazy & weird, but I can't get you out of my mind. Feeling madness & unbearable sometimes. & some other times (slightly though), I feel calmer & try to accept whatever His intetion.

What should I do?

I know I already decided that I just want to surrender (because I don't think it's possible for you to like me back, I realize who am I & who you are... & because of a fatahassasu dream, but after I thinking about it again, I'm afraid & I hope I made a wrong interpretation, although I always make a dua to understand ilmu takwil, but still I'm not Yusuf though & there's no one who care sincerely for me & I could respect him/her enough to ask about my dreams).

So, what do you think? What should I do?

Ask Allah to make me calm & ridho/accept the fact that you are not into me? 😞

Ask Allah to remove my feeling towards you as soon as possible?

Is it possible? Even if you are the only one that really motivating & inspiring me, to keep my faith & stay alive?

You are the happiness, when everything seems can not entertaining me anymore. I read books but It doesn't bring the happiness like when I was teen.

I can't watch a movies or series anymore, too boring for me, even when quarantine time like this (I'm just now try to watch some short movies)

Cinta, mungkin itu satu-satunya jangkar yang menahanku untuk tetap bertahan di bumi, walau sepertinya melayang-layang tanpa beban di angkasa itu terlihat jauh lebih ringan bagiku. Satu-satunya hal yg menarik bagiku di bumi itu cinta. Termasuk cinta & rasa penasaranku dalam menemukanNya.

Beside that curiousity to find Him, my anchor is you (for right now at least), the one that hold me up here, on this earth. Not my mother. My mother has her siblings to take care of her if only I'm not here anymore. She's even living with my aunt under 1 roof almost everyday.

I hope this is not too much for you, & be a burden. Just don't. My feelings is my business. Yeah, it's strange. But this is what I feel right now. I must be gone crazy, right? 😣

& I wish my feeling doesn't bothering you either. Becuase, think about this fact:

What a woman like me can do when she is falling in love? With someone who is so far... So different. So far in every aspect...? Nothing. 

How can I forget you? 

Everyday I fall to the first square again, checking on you again.

Although all of my life I'm an ice Queen of moveon, that always succeed to not make a contact with my exes after breakup, not check their socmed etc.

But until today, I still check on you. What about you?

I need to listen to your voice, need to tell you something again...

Finally I'm able to feel a complete & a beautiful feeling like this, that make want to do anything that I don't want to.

After all this year I was confuse with my own feeling (Is that really romantic feeling? Or just platonic? & another is just my hormone?)

But poor my heart,

The one that I fell for is someone like you, someone that I can't have(?).

I think no question mark needed. It's so clear, Nay.😢😭😢

Gw ini bodoh banget ya. Bisa-bisanya gw jatuh cinta sama dia.

💭💭💭💭💭💭

So, 

How about me, yaa rabb? About the future?

I just have very few friends, my social skill is not really great cz my low self-esteem, & I'm a homebody type cz my grandparents used to "lock" me home (They don't give me permission to hang out with friends after magrib just like another teens, can't have relationship/date etc).

& now we are in a pandemic situation.

& I think this is the first time I feel this kind of complete feeling, so it's mean that I'm the type of person who hard to fall in love? 😰I don't even hope to feel a true love before married, I just hope for a romantic interest, I just hope I realize before marrying someonw that: "I can do this with this man", how about that?

Am I a Hopeless romantic type & picky at the same time? 

*Picky? I don't think so. I only realize that I can't do my first sex with just anybody that I don't love/do not have romantic interest. It's too frightening (If was born as a man in the first place, maybe this isn't too complicated like this. Why do you want me to born as a woman? & a woman like this? Why I saw many of women that is so easily married someone she doesn't love & put her life on the line to give children to her husband whom she doensn't love, even he's not treat her well/with kindness too, & not a father material?). Me? I can't imagine how can I sleep with someone that I don't love/don't have romantic interest everynight? Will he want to wait for me (for my heart to open & ready for every intime things) What if love doesn't grow between us? Will I be a nusyuz wife?). 

Will my love interest is always someone who out of my league? 😔

& I think I'm so undesirable, unattractive & unlovable too as a woman. 😓

It's perfect. 🤢

I'm afraid yaa rabb.

Adam your prophet who really tall & strong, & eventhough he lived in paradise... he still feel lonely & asked you to gave him a friend.

Musa was really strong too, but still he still feel he was in need & prayed, & you gave him a spouse.

Rasulullah is a brave & sixpack, right? & He still need Khadijah.

I'm not strong like them, not sixpack, not brave, not live in paradise, & feel really lonely too.

I'm grateful with what you've already gave to me, & I don't deny it. It just... I'm still in need... I need a partner for life... for live, so I'll be able to live in peace & build our little warm family. 

Please help me to change, ya rabb. Please fix my self esteem, my confidence. 

I want to find him, to do what You ask me to do: fatahassasu, looking in my front, my right, my left, my back..

But to be able to do that, I need my confidence. Do you want to help me to be my best version of myself? 

pertanyaan yang gak pernah terjawab

gimana cara mati yang tanpa rasa sakit sama sekali?

Everyone never want to talk about, even think about this. 

Although this is an absolute. The number one absolute, maybe. That we will eventually die someday. Why we do not search & create the most easy way & painless way to die? Or I only don't know yet? Why it's not be a trending then? Everyone need that.

How to die, the best way to die, that without pain at all?

Hijab

Mungkin gw emang belum cocok pake hijab kali ya. Kayak percuma, udah segitu susahnya gw nahan gerah, panas, pusing, engap, ribet.... but still, not a good woman, I'm not good enough, right? Gak punya izzah?

Buat apa lagian gw pake hijab? Buat jaga mata laki-laki? Toh laki-laki sendiri juga sukanya sama yang sexy, malah nyari-nyari sendiri supaya bisa liat cewek-cewek pake bikini kan?

Jadi ngapain gw susah payah nutupin rambut begitu? Walaupun gw lepas hijab (lagi), gw tetap gak akan pake yang sexy-sexy juga koq yang nyaman aja.

Karena perintah Allah?

Ok. Tapi Allah juga nyuruh jangan ikuti sesuatu yang kita gak punya pengetahuan tentangnya kan.

& gw masih perlu belajar banyak:

1. Tafsir surat An-nur & Al-ahzab aja belum gw pelajarin sama sekali. 

2. Perintah-perintah syariat itu baru turun setelah 13 tahun nabi ngajarin tauhid/aqidah kan. Jadi gw mau namatin tafsir surat-surat makiyah dulu. & tafsir kan banyak: tafsir jalalain, tafsir al-misbah, I love my Al-Quran nya Pelangi Mizan, tafsir ibnu katsir, dll

3. Kitab-kitab tauhid & aqidah beserta syarah (penjelasannya) juga belum semua tamat.

4. Mau tamatin buku "jilbab" nya Quraish shihab

5. Belum dapat guru spiritual yg gw bisa respect sama dia & dia care sama gw, buat jawab pertanyaan-pertanyaan gw

6. Belum baca sirah nabawiyah & kitab-kitab dasar lain, & arabic course belum tamat

7. Belum keliling ke gereja, kuil dlln ngerasain ibadah-ibadah agama lain

8. Walaupun udah tamat baca terjemahan Quran, tapi gw belum tamat baca kitab-kitab suci agama lain

Nah, masih banyak kan PR gw? 

Gw akuin kadang pas pakai hijab itu ngerasa ditemani & dilindungi Allah, tapi perasaan sesaat & sesekali kayak gitu kayaknya gak cukup buat jadi alasan satu hal yang sebesar ini, gak cukup kuat buat jadi pertanggung jawaban kenapa gw pilih pakai (hijab).

Jadi itulah. Kayaknya gw bakal lepas hijab (atau mungkin sesekali pakai, sesekali nggak, senyamannya gw dulu lah. Sambil terus belajar hal-hal diatas). & gw juga bakal lebih menjaga ucapan gw kalau sama laki-laki (in real life maupun online), kayaknyanya emang lebih baik dingin & bicara seperlunya aja deh. Kan tipe-tipe cowok ada banyak, ada yang sensitif juga,  daripada dicap cewek gak punya izzah atau cewek penggoda. Ucapan baik & penuh bunganya gw kasih khusus ke ibu/keluarga ajalah.

*ini tulisan soal diri sendiri, bukan buat ngajak-ngajak orang lain & terserah bila punya pandangan lain (tulis aja di blog sendiri).

If I were a Superhero

I will make a world where there are no poverty, pain, lonely, sadness & make a tool for achieving no pain death possible for everyone.