Silly Confession

Edit: January 22th, 2021, 23:02 pm

I'm afraid if I'm saying this, it may sounds so cheesy, & if someday I read this post again or if there are people who read this, I will be ashamed, what was I writing? Said my future self 🤦‍♀️. What was I thinking back then? Infatuation in 28 y.o?

I wrote everything to record my feelings for your own good, you dumb futureself 😩.

But I change the url of this blog, though (beside my old url is a clear error in grammatically too, *hey, I made that in 2010!) , so, no one will know & read this cheesy love confession right? 😅

Cz if I don't let this out, I think I'll go crazy, loving someone in silent is really hard you know? 💀

Ok, 

I love you. I think I really do. 

In my old post I just said "I like you". Although I know this surely something more than that.

I said that because I want to give my whole heart, my true love, only to my husband, after akad. But I just want to be honest with my feeling now.

I think it's love (Mawaddah) & there is this kind of soft feeling too, I'm not sure what its name, the feeling that only appear when I was taking care of my grandma & my mom when they were sick. But to you, this soft feeling is always felt by my heart clearly, always been there even when you are not sick & you're not my family (yet?).

 (Is this rahmah? Doesn't rahmah only felt after mawaddah faded away when someone's getting old? 🤔. In Indonesia language, maybe it's called " kasih-sayang" & I think it doesn't only felt after "love" is faded away).

This maybe sounds crazy & weird, but I can't get you out of my mind. Feeling madness & unbearable sometimes. & some other times (slightly though), I feel calmer & try to accept whatever His intetion.

What should I do?

I know I already decided that I just want to surrender (because I don't think it's possible for you to like me back, I realize who am I & who you are... & because of a fatahassasu dream, but after I thinking about it again, I'm afraid & I hope I made a wrong interpretation, although I always make a dua to understand ilmu takwil, but still I'm not Yusuf though & there's no one who care sincerely for me & I could respect him/her enough to ask about my dreams).

So, what do you think? What should I do?

Ask Allah to make me calm & ridho/accept the fact that you are not into me? 😞

Ask Allah to remove my feeling towards you as soon as possible?

Is it possible? Even if you are the only one that really motivating & inspiring me, to keep my faith & stay alive?

You are the happiness, when everything seems can not entertaining me anymore. I read books but It doesn't bring the happiness like when I was teen.

I can't watch a movies or series anymore, too boring for me, even when quarantine time like this (I'm just now try to watch some short movies)

Cinta, mungkin itu satu-satunya jangkar yang menahanku untuk tetap bertahan di bumi, walau sepertinya melayang-layang tanpa beban di angkasa itu terlihat jauh lebih ringan bagiku. Satu-satunya hal yg menarik bagiku di bumi itu cinta. Termasuk cinta & rasa penasaranku dalam menemukanNya.

Beside that curiousity to find Him, my anchor is you (for right now at least), the one that hold me up here, on this earth. Not my mother. My mother has her siblings to take care of her if only I'm not here anymore. She's even living with my aunt under 1 roof almost everyday.

I hope this is not too much for you, & be a burden. Just don't. My feelings is my business. Yeah, it's strange. But this is what I feel right now. I must be gone crazy, right? 😣

& I wish my feeling doesn't bothering you either. Becuase, think about this fact:

What a woman like me can do when she is falling in love? With someone who is so far... So different. So far in every aspect...? Nothing. 

How can I forget you? 

Everyday I fall to the first square again, checking on you again.

Although all of my life I'm an ice Queen of moveon, that always succeed to not make a contact with my exes after breakup, not check their socmed etc.

But until today, I still check on you. What about you?

I need to listen to your voice, need to tell you something again...

Finally I'm able to feel a complete & a beautiful feeling like this, that make want to do anything that I don't want to.

After all this year I was confuse with my own feeling (Is that really romantic feeling? Or just platonic? & another is just my hormone?)

But poor my heart,

The one that I fell for is someone like you, someone that I can't have(?).

I think no question mark needed. It's so clear, Nay.😢😭😢

Gw ini bodoh banget ya. Bisa-bisanya gw jatuh cinta sama dia.

💭💭💭💭💭💭

So, 

How about me, yaa rabb? About the future?

I just have very few friends, my social skill is not really great cz my low self-esteem, & I'm a homebody type cz my grandparents used to "lock" me home (They don't give me permission to hang out with friends after magrib just like another teens, can't have relationship/date etc).

& now we are in a pandemic situation.

& I think this is the first time I feel this kind of complete feeling, so it's mean that I'm the type of person who hard to fall in love? 😰I don't even hope to feel a true love before married, I just hope for a romantic interest, I just hope I realize before marrying someonw that: "I can do this with this man", how about that?

Am I a Hopeless romantic type & picky at the same time? 

*Picky? I don't think so. I only realize that I can't do my first sex with just anybody that I don't love/do not have romantic interest. It's too frightening (If was born as a man in the first place, maybe this isn't too complicated like this. Why do you want me to born as a woman? & a woman like this? Why I saw many of women that is so easily married someone she doesn't love & put her life on the line to give children to her husband whom she doensn't love, even he's not treat her well/with kindness too, & not a father material?). Me? I can't imagine how can I sleep with someone that I don't love/don't have romantic interest everynight? Will he want to wait for me (for my heart to open & ready for every intime things) What if love doesn't grow between us? Will I be a nusyuz wife?). 

Will my love interest is always someone who out of my league? 😔

& I think I'm so undesirable, unattractive & unlovable too as a woman. 😓

It's perfect. 🤢

I'm afraid yaa rabb.

Adam your prophet who really tall & strong, & eventhough he lived in paradise... he still feel lonely & asked you to gave him a friend.

Musa was really strong too, but still he still feel he was in need & prayed, & you gave him a spouse.

Rasulullah is a brave & sixpack, right? & He still need Khadijah.

I'm not strong like them, not sixpack, not brave, not live in paradise, & feel really lonely too.

I'm grateful with what you've already gave to me, & I don't deny it. It just... I'm still in need... I need a partner for life... for live, so I'll be able to live in peace & build our little warm family. 

Please help me to change, ya rabb. Please fix my self esteem, my confidence. 

I want to find him, to do what You ask me to do: fatahassasu, looking in my front, my right, my left, my back..

But to be able to do that, I need my confidence. Do you want to help me to be my best version of myself?